What is amatonormativity? According to Wikipedia, it is “a set of societal assumptions that everyone prospers with an exclusive romantic relationship”. What this means is that society has normalized romantic relationships, without giving thought to the people that don’t experience that kind of thing. It’s essentially leaving aro-ace people out, especially on Valentine’s Day.
Now I know Valentine’s Day was over a month ago, but I don’t see this being talked about enough. On this particular day, we as a whole prioritize romantic relationships and romantic love over all other kinds of love. Valentine’s Day is not just a trademark for romance, it is meant for love, all kinds of love.
Could you imagine falling into the aro-ace category and feeling completely isolated because most other people don’t understand what it feels like to not feel the same way about love? Especially having a whole day “dedicated” to romantic partners, and seeing red hearts and cupid bows everywhere, along with the question of “who’s gonna be your Valentine?” - which is usually meant in a romantic sense. I would feel horrible.
We already have this mindset that having a partner, a soulmate for life is all that matters. To get married, start a family, etc. This is why amatonormativity is a huge problem in our society. Not only is there pressure on people not fitting into amatonormativity, but also for people that do fit in. It is a toxic mindset, and something we must get rid of.
Let’s also talk about the privilege aspect that comes with amatonormativity - often married couples get legal, financial, and health support; especially if it is a heterosexual relationship. But heteronormativity is not the point of discussion here. I think we can all agree that it is unfair for people in relationships to get a higher privilege than those that don’t apply to amatonormativity. It isn’t like they can help it. Even in movies, most end with a happy ending with the two characters happily in love. I can name dozens of movies ending like that. Sure, there is media with aro ace characters, but what is usually at the top of all the movie recommendation website lists? Romance.
This just means amatonormativity is more accepted, even if we don’t think about it, it’s already built into our brains. The intention is to not be aphobic, but not adding in characters that are part of the LGBTQIA+ community (that include aro-ace people as well), makes it seem as if you are being homophobic and aphobic. We all need to rethink our choices. I’m not saying let’s make every character part of the community, but let's at least add some representation.
I think especially for teenagers, amatonormativity can take up a huge space in their minds - something about obsessing over having a partner, something they’ve seen in movies, read in books, or have listened to songs about it. In my opinion, we should rethink our choice of words, and try to make things more comfortable and as stress-relieving as possible - keeping the level of amatonormativity to zero. Queer or aro-ace, we all deserve a place in today’s society. Let’s challenge the norms and create something better for all of us.